- :- April -:- Ethereal -: -

Let's start from the beginning with some Zen 101.

Distinctions are the things which exist everywhere within this level of existence. It’s easier to comprehend this reality as distinctions if I compare it to a giant computer system. Imagine if every single part of this reality were a computer program and everything ran in patterns of 11010101001000 – on/off – another word for this is duality. Everything has aspects that are broken apart from one another. Chair is separate from table is separate from the ground is separate from a building is separate from a door is separate from a book is separate from me is separate from you. These aspects or what can also be labeled as distinctions also have certain overlapping characteristics, for instance a table vs a chair are known as separate entities but they both exist in the same room. They are parts or separate functions existing within the same room. If you take out one of these parts the room is still a room, but not exactly the same room as before. Computer systems break things up into this 1001010100 dual pattern. So do humans in our minds.

There is a Zen or Buddhist idea that says that everything is really One, and that all these distinctions are false. There is another argument that says that these distinctions really exist but that these things are finite, and God or the Greater Reality is infinite in nature. But that we have to keep living in this finite 100100110101 world because that is human nature. This discussion of Oneness has been argued about for thousands of years, and I will not argue about this point – at least not in this blog post.

The purpose of this post is more educational in nature, and to help you recognize the very existence of reality as being like a computer system. This post will help make all my other entries more understandable. I’ll elaborate a lot more on these things later.

My main goal in life is to not merely recognize the nature of distinctions since this type of existence would be very dismal. I believe that there has to be more to existence than 101001010001.

Love is the distinction that keeps us from the nothingness, the void. One goes back and forth just long enough to create the momentum that love produces. The movement or the feeling of the in-between is love. If one goes too far to either side, or stops entirely, it becomes nothing. This is the reason why love is undefinable, yet it is not nothing it is something. The moment love is attempted at being defined it becomes either/or again and ceases to be love at all.

What persuades the nothing to want to move and have distinctions of both sides? The answer is not for merely the sake of it knowing itself. For then who is the observer? The nothing cannot have observers since only either side can see the other side. Love cannot observe either since it is the movement of both. So what is the reason for the nothing to want to be anything at all? This answer is unknown by me, and maybe not known in this entire dimension. I don't know the answer since the answer to this would be the reason for existence. I can only define how existing works.

Love is movement. Love is light, because if you look closely at the physics of light it is a wave of back-and-forth. Love is knowing love because you know that you're there when you remember how you got there from going back-and-forth.

It's easier to know love than to know the nothing. The nothing has no system memory in this dimension. Is the nothing a form of existence? It's hard to say since it has defining qualities outside this realm of awareness. It is undefinable by my mind or yours. No human can truly know nothingness.

Who are the things which know the nothing? Are they outside this system too, unable to contact us since they can't grasp our forms of awareness either? When you know love does this break through to knowing why we exist?

People want to create babies not because of logical thought, but out of instinct. Instinct is anything hard wired into our minds before the dawn of our being consciously aware of their creation. Consciousness is a way to defeat evolution, to defeat the back-and-forth pattern. Consciousness questions too much, therefore sometimes killing itself in the process. Yet love questions nothing and defeats (but not kills) the pattern at the same time. Love expands evolution, making it something more than merely a two-aspect distinction system.

Love doesn't work in aspects since it is everything, or it is trying to become everything.

There are levels upon levels of different types of existences and only a few are defined by aspects or distinctions. I cannot explain in words what they are for every word is a defining aspect. Words are trapped in this system. To attempt to define these existences in words would do no good since this would result in a closed circle.

To feel without words is more useful for understanding. To feel with the heart and body is much better than logic or these wicked words. Love can't really be talked about but its energy can be felt physical in the body. This is not a feeling that uses words, but is it something more than just a primal emotion? Is it a break-through to consciousness of other worlds?

This livejournal is no longer active. I will leave my posts up but this site will be frozen. I will no longer update it.

~Psyche

Please don't think I'm retarded for making a post about happiness. This is not some sappy half-thought-out shit that I'm just posting for the hell of it. Well actually, I'm posting this for the hell of it, but it's not meant to be sappy.

What is happiness? I've thought about the meaning of this for a very long time now, so long it has strained my brain beyond most things I've tried to find/think about. These are some conclusions and things I have experienced about happiness that may or may not be your own experiences; either way, I will say what I'm about to say. It's my opinion, take it as you will.

Happiness is not something to be found. It is not something that one has ever left, rather, it is the state that one is in when one is not in pain. Happiness should be a normal state - yes, a normal state one is in! Most of the time, even. If your normal state is not sad, but something as *normal* as "bored", "restless", "tired", or "okay", something still is amiss. You should not be okay, you should be happy. Allow yourself the wonder to let yourself be happy.

A balanced individual is not one who experiences a balance of sorrow and joy - a balanced individual is one who allows the self to experience all emotions to their full extent. At first when I type this you may think "but you just said one should always be happy, right?"

Well no, not exactly. Not for a long time. When you begin the process of "becoming into your happy self" you will first feel a lot of pain if there have been emotions left to be unexpressed. You first need to express any and all of these emotions, and be unafraid of them if you ever wish to hope to find a happy balance.

Once you have experienced and gone through all your negative emotions only then - and after quite a while, will you find that the more you let yourself express your negative emotions the less you will have them! The truth is the opposite of what mainstream media and society has been telling you - the truth is this; repress your emotions and you will have more pain. Express your emotions and the pain will go away.

Fucking look around you, look at your society. Do it. Right now. Can you see your chains? Do you ever see people bawling on the streets? Do you ever see people yelling on the streets? Do you ever have strangers come up to you and confess the deepest pain and guilt in their heats?

No. Because we are afraid of all these things.

I don't want this world to be this way any longer. I want to be able to shout my emotions in the street. I want to be able to yell my joy and anguish at a stranger. I want strangers to be able to do that in turn. Think I can't handle it? I'd like to see them try. If it'll help to absolve their pain in the long run, I'm all for getting my ass yelled at in the middle of the street. As long as it's not dellusional yelling at me, and it helps them to express things they were not expressing before.

Here's the change~ our society. I stated that to heal one has to first express one's own emotions on a massive level first before true balance and joy can occur - the same goes with our society. If we want this social disease to end we have to start ending it ourselves. Do you want to be able to express your emotions openly and freely? Then let others express their emotions to you as such in turn.

It will be beautiful. ;)

Here is something else to remember: before the change into social balance and social joy, our society will be chaos as it expresses all these things it did not express before. An individual experiences chaos at first as repressed emotions come up and out, so too will society as we change.

Chaos is not a bad thing. Our universe is made up of chaos and order; there has to be some of both for life to work and for life to evolve. Neither one is bad. One or the other out of whack - out of balance is bad.

Don't just remember to be the change you wish to see in the world - know that you already are the change you wish (or don't wish!) to see in the world. Do you think you have to be the change you wish to see in the world? Do you think you have a choice? You don't. Everything you do impacts something or another. The distinction is this; those who are aware of the impact they have on society/themselves/the world, and those that are not aware.

I would like to be a critical thinker and an observer - not just because it may aid me in life, but because it will bring me individual happiness.

I hope to extend this to you now - these ideas of balance - chaos/order, evolution - all these things.

Are you in pain? Do you see a world in pain? If so - become aware of it and change it!

I have given you a beacon of hope now - go - and create happiness.

And before the happiness, create the creative chaos. ;)

I watched - I saw - I knew.

I know.

Apparently according to this machine-thingy I look like these celebs. Not too bad, considering they're all different/weird.

I feel the wintertime with its chill and freeze, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I like this weather a lot and I miss it in the summer. Yet - the summer - I've been thinking about this a lot too.

I am happy just remembering the long, warm summer nights. I'm imigining staying up till the early hours of morning; the sun doesn't set till ten. The nights are buzzing and warm and beautiful. The dawn comes and the warmth hits my skin like a fire - but all over. Grass is crunchy underfoot and prickley to sit on ... feilds of long, tall, grass .. and open meadows. Camping out. Smores..! Smores! The smell of a campfire burning in the early hours of morning. And the stars - oh... there is nothing more beautiful than the stars on a clear night out in the country - city-free.

This is what the Earth truly is, and this is what She has given us - Her gift. Do not forget.

Quite possibly the most horrible thing to happen in '04. But why can't I seem to get away from it?

This world is not all bad. I do not believe in good vs evil, but for the sake of speaking I will pretend like I do. To bring back the good of creation in the world is to be utterly open minded, but not so open to everything to the point at which one ceases to be a thinking-being. It is to become open to the point of song and love. Joy and pain. All daulity is an illusion but I choose to experience it as if it were real. My mind has melted down and I have built myself back up as though I am playing in my own video game. I have to abide by the rules to win, but the rules of the game are man-made.

This is an essay I wrote for a college class as a response to the short story "I Want To Be Miss America" by Julia Alvarez.

The author Julia Alvarez uses subtle yet powerful methodology in her story “I Want To Be Miss America.” Her writing voice at first appears apathetic and cold to the discussion she is talking about, like a mono-tone robot. She lists off events that would seemingly have had a profound impact on her life as though they were just blips in a news paper. She does this for a reason. Her pain seeps through her lettering slowly at first, then it rushes at the reader to make the strongest point of all; the standard of “American beauty” is still haunting her to this day.

This text discusses Alvarez’s struggle with beauty and culture from the time she is a pre-teen to present day. She purposefully lingers on the early-teen point in her life for most of the story because this was a most critical time for her shaping her future ideas. She outlines the simple qualities of human nature, with underlying tones of silent rage at her experience as an “American foreigner.” After reading her story, could one ever fully disagree with her experience that American media is horribly biased and unfair? Perhaps – but her quiet anger is very compelling.

Reading this author’s experience really made me stop and think – how do I, others, and the media effect how we all see each other? Does there need to be a standard of beauty? Is there even one?

It’s interesting to think about what one’s society projects onto an individual. One may feel ugly or out of place without ever being told such. Alvarez makes this very clear when she discusses the women in the pageant and how they were mostly all white, and when there was a “token Hispanic” girl she would always look white and just have a Spanish last name. No one told Julia Alvarez outright that she must be white to fit in, but cultural standards spoke to her instead. They seem to speak to everyone in different ways on some twisted level.

Julia Alvarez dictates, “my sisters and I always had plenty of commentary on all the contestants. We were hardly strangers to this ritual of picking the beauty. In our own family, we had a running competition as to who was the prettiest of the four girls . . . I was often voted the cutest, though my older sister liked to remind me that I had the kind of looks that wouldn’t age well . . . She bragged about the new type of math she was learning in high school, . . . which she said I would never be able to figure out. I believed her. Dumb and ex-cute, that’s what I would grow up to be,” (p. 95). This is a good example of how her writing illumines the idea of how one is effected by the media, and how this is perpetuated on many different levels – not just from the television. It is quite disturbing to think about how much these things really can affect a person.

As Americans on a day to day basis we are constantly battered with false images from our culture which we are then expected to project onto ourselves in order to fit into a specific “social mode.” People like Alvarez who decide to question this social mode are considered abnormal, or worse; completely ignored. I think that this American disease of image is not necessarily a cultural issue alone – it is also a diseased image of the self on an individual basis. In whatever society one is brought up in it seems that one will always have personal and cultural standards, which is human nature . . . ? I’d like to think that one has the ability be able to change parts of this “cultural disease of image”, and leave other parts which may be necessary . . .

One point I would like to bring up is that not all cultural standards are bad. There is some amount of stereotyping which we all must exist within the confines of if we are to live in this world. Do we not “stereotype” a tree as a tree? It would make most sense if one were able to stereotype while staying aware that one is stereotyping, and to not do it all the time. I believe this to be possible with a greater cultural awareness.

Julia Alvarez’s personality shines through in many places in this essay. I can feel her as an insecure teenager, and later as a wounded adult. She is strong, and I believe that she does not still exist within the confines of her standard of beauty that she had as a teenager, but she is very much aware of how this still affects her subconscious. I believe she would like to see the view of beauty (in today’s society) as allowing all people to be different, but all equally beautiful – without judgment.

I often wonder how the world would be without the pain of bias based on race, religion, sexuality, etc. If bias were to be held just about the mind; one’s intelligence. If stereotyping could be done based on the brain alone, it would solve a lot of problems. There would be no more “first impressions” for one, and more people would be happy.

Alvarez later touches on the point about how the cultural standard of beauty changed in the 1960’s, and how regular Americans began to dress like “foreigners” (hippies). There is a slight tone of hope in her voice for the idea of change; social norms don’t always stay the same (as she found out). In-between the lines I believe she is trying to say, “if society could change for the better in the 1960’s, I believe it is possible that society could change for the better in today’s modern world.”

It is not impossible to change the very essence of who and what society is – after all, are we not the very people who create our own society on a daily basis? When one can realize this, one needn’t be stuck in this cultural muck (too terribly much). I have hope that things can change.

Lux Eye finally has a myspace page here:http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=127721884&MyToken=1c7dc38e-6224-4af5-91b3-9fa78b1f2fad

Add him! It took months to persuade him to get one. <3

I can’t believe that for the first time, in a long time, I’m shining my light outwards. I had the light to begin with, but it was not the light that I am today. Even the light that I was born with was diminished for so long…it turned dirty and grimy and useless. I was dusty for years. The slats to the window to my soul were closed. I did not understand, nor did I feel the beauty of my own light.

It’s reopening, I feel it again…this scared light. It is different now; stronger. Brilliant. Resonating.

No one can tell me what I am. Only I can tell me what I am. With this knowledge, I decline to even tell myself who I was, who I am, and who I ought to be. Those barriers would kill this light. I must shine it out, and I must not put bars on my soul. I also must not be unwilling to change. I am always changing. I will always change.

My lips are unsealed and have strange and unusual things to say. Unhindered. I will go and create peace where there is pain, acceptance where there is doubt, chaos where things are static. Such is what my eyes see present-day.

I think I'll be away from this computer for a bit.



I'll explain why later.

I stayed up until five-ish last night and somehow I am able to wake up at nine-thirty. It's nice, it feels superhuman! I am sure I will crash early evening though, LOL. I am well-rested and happy. Odd dream though...

I won't go into too much detail about my dream, but I will describe some of it. There was a person asking me questions for a job interview and they were telling me things about dream analysis - in my dream!! I am often searching for the meanings of my life in dreams, and this person told me what my dream was about in my dream. I didn't even have to analyze it this time, haha. Isn't that convenient?

Totally goth.

I have felt that I am love and life and light. I feel this way now. Earlier today I was feeling stressed out from all my classes, but now I'm just relaxing and taking things as they come to me. I am in the moment ... and being in the moment makes me wild and free. I can be running without moving. I can be shouting without uttering a sound. Such is the illusion of duality, it is so strong one must think that one has to do these things and that these things are truth. They are not - ha! I feel like I'm resonating on some higher level for some reason, I can't quite put my finger on it. Do I need to? ;) Is it not enough to know? My heart knows.

This is it. It's starting. My inner flame ignites.

Here are some ideas I propose:

Buddhism – I now see that all duality is illusionary and human devised. So I'm going to go meditate on a rock forever to ignore duality – in a sense – I might as well go and kill myself. I don't want to exist within the confines of reality. Reality sucks. So I'm going to jump to the conclusion that nothing could possibly exist because I see that duality is false. Oh well.

Chaoism – I now see that all duality is illusionary and human devised. So I'm going to create a system in which people can make random paradigm jumps and play around with duality. I don't like Buddhism because they reject all duality. See lookie here! We acknowledge that duality doesn't exist, and is illusionary, but we choose to play around with it!

The "iusse" is such: just where is Chaoism going with all this? Nowhere! It may open up the mind (with paradigm shifting), but it does little more then that. It doesn't help society as a whole too much, nor does it fix any problems with people who firmly believe in duality. It is just a method to help open the self.

My solution: something which acknowledges that duality and words are just human ideas and things which humans devised, but a way to go beyond that then just helping people open up the mind. There must be a way to combine these to ideas (of Buddhism and Chaoism). Why do people want to open up the mind? How far does one open up the mind? Is there a point at which too far is too far? Yes, indeed there is. Working from the Chaoist point of view one could just go out and kill random people because there is no stopping point (though most logical Chaoists will stop short of killing someone, they don't know why will not kill someone. Doesn't this prove their philosophy a bit off?).

Here's the thing: Buddhism is the rejection of duality to an extreme (which is to say that nothing exists whatsoever except ALL being one), and Chaoism is the rejection of duality but like a lost child, it goes nowhere. It just toys around with duality in this life. Which might not be a bad thing. But I will propose a few ideas.

Combine the deconditioning of systems methods in Chaoism (with a twist, there is a stopping point where one should stop! For the sake of argument, deconditioning the self with paradigm shifts until one becomes a vegetable from lack of systems to follow doesn't do much good for the self or for society), and the philosophy of Buddhist ideas of all being one. I will leave the "God" out of "all are one". I am not working under a deity system here. This is just philosophy with a bit of a spiritual twist. I can't know if any deity exists or does not exist.

My idea about all things being one is a bit different then the Buddhist idea of all things being one. I think that there is an ultimate truth to the universe, and that there are multiple facets of things working as cogs, working all as one in the context of an infinite universe. In other words, things do exist. It's just that the human perception of things, objects, and ideas, are relative.

Humans like neat and tidy little systems in which to view things. We name things and categorize them by how they feel to us, how we see them, and what use they are to our evolution – our growth as human beings. Well, somewhere along the way these dualities got mixed and muddled because different humans all have different ideas of what these "concepts" really are. Each of us, no matter how smart we are as humans, we all have a limited view of this infinite universe. I do believe all is one, and all things work as one, but we can't know all these things.

Hehe. We pretend like we can with our words.

Another idea to prove words and duality is false – I believe the nature of the universe is not static . . . which is to say, the universe is constantly changing. Life is always changing. Like the cogs in a clock, the universe does not stop if it is to continue evolving as it does today. These cogs are always changing shape and size in their very nature. They are never destroyed or created, but they do always change. Matter changes.

So here comes along a human, say, oh, 10,000 years ago . . . points to one of these "cogs" and thinks "I will name cog #23 'Oofm.'"

Oofm is blue and is a square. This is fine for now – until a few thousand years later Oofm changes shape and becomes a red circle. Some humans then see Oofm as being a red circle, others see it as being a blue square. They get into a war over it. They hurt each other. People die. A civilization falls. And poor, poor humans – they don't know why this happened.

End of story?

Not quite. This can be turned around. This can be fixed, but first one must realize what one is doing and the nature of this problem in the first place! Of course it's not nearly as simple as the "Oofm" idea, but "Oofm" seems to be the basic nature of these concepts when viewed on a social and universal scale.

The meanings of our words are always changing. Humans change. Societies change. The universe changes. There needs to be a way to take change into account when anyone thinks up – anything!

I've been changing myself so much I'm at an utter point of confusion. Some days I feel stuck in old thinking patterns, but today I feel like I've gone too far in changing myself. I don't know who I am. Do I even have a self? I'm not lost in someone else that I'm not, I'm lost in the idea that I'm not an anything. This is really really odd.

I'm lost.